Warning: this section contains graphic descriptions of childhood emotional and sexual abuse; adulthood sexual aggression through verbal and emotional coercion, blackmail through threats of suicide, and sexual assault through the use of physical force; unidirectional and reciprocal abuse; depression; suicide attempts; prostitution; and language barriers between a patient and a psychiatrist and between a victim of intrusion and the local police contributing to a sexual assault.
The third was my desire to eventually return to Canada and my fear that she might not. I found that many Chinese women outside of the sex trade were loath to move far away from their families.
I did request that a woman use a condom in the first few months after I started doing this as soon as I caught her. I should have known though (especially given my first experience) that the more women I paid for sex, the greater the probability that the unexpected could happen.
One woman took me by surprise when she climbed onto the bed with a sealed condom in her hand. I closed my eyes and she suddenly mounted me without a condom. I first looked to see if what I believed had just happened had. I then took a second to decide whether to give her my retroactive consent (as if that’s even possible). Deciding not to, I dropped my bum into the bed. She pinned my hands down while dropping all of her weight on me and thrusting quickly. Seeing how she’d committed to continuing, I scanned my surroundings and thought about physically rolling her off of my body and the narrow bed onto the floor but feared that she could injure her head on a piece of furniture next to the bed or on the floor on her way down if I did so. As I continued to think about how to roll her off of my body in a controlled manner so as to avoid any physical injury to her, it was too late. I found the experience so arousing that it lasted but around three seconds.
She then laughed and said that she was going to carry my baby. Since I’d been studying Chinese actively since just prior to my arrival in China, I clearly understood what she said. I believe and hope that she was just taunting me, but I have no way of knowing.
I felt disgusted with myself (especially since I’d agreed to sex with her and quite freely and negligently made myself vulnerable to her attack), went into a deep depression, and became extremely conflicted. I had to reconcile the fact that that incident was precisely the kind that I thought I’d been chasing for the last few months with the fact that it was also the one that depressed me the most. She’d even taunted me with it.
As emotionally numbed and by-then morally degenerate as I’d become, the idea that my actions could affect an innocent child bothered me still. On some sick, degenerate level though, I think I was seeking abuse and accepted that depression was just the price I had to pay for it.
Though I understand how criminalizing the buying of sex could cause a buyer to hesitate to report his assault to the police, I still favour criminalizing the buying of sex since to decriminalize it would cause more harm than good. To criminalize it creates a deterrent (however weak due to the inherent difficulty of proving it beyond reasonable doubt) against him buying sex (and so negligently contributing to his own assault by putting himself in such a vulnerable situation in the first place). To decriminalize it would increase the probability of him buying sex and so put him at greater risk of an assault that a prosecutor would probably not be able to prove beyond reasonable doubt. Even if the victim had enough proof, he’d probably be too ashamed to report such a sexual assault anyway. From a practical standpoint, given the difficulty inherent in proving sexual assault and the unlikelihood of a victim in such a situation reporting it even if he had proof, public policy should aim at deterring the potential victim from negligently putting himself in such a difficult-to-prove situation in the first place rather than to try to punish the aggressor after the fact.
After my assault, I no longer objected to unprotected sex and even liked the submission of it. Unprotected sex stressed me afterwards (and sometimes even before and during sex). I worried about infection and pregnancy, yet the intimacy of letting her choose allowed me to escape the stress however fleetingly. It was like entering an imaginary world where I could put all my trust in someone else’s judgment. Ironically, I was very health-conscious otherwise. I later even came to accept to pay more money for unprotected sex if offered and would return to those who offered it as long as I could maintain an emotional distance between us.
Strangely, I worried less about getting infected and more about infecting another person (though I didn’t care much about that either). I even thought that I deserved to get infected and that getting infected might give me the kick I needed to kill myself.
I later moved to a new city and hoped that the change of environment could help me stop my compulsive sexual behaviour. In the first few days, my temporary accommodation had no running water, so I found a nearby bathhouse. After showering and being offered a bath robe, I met a line of women immediately after leaving the change room to head upstairs. I was taken aback, became angry, and called a Chinese friend and asked him to call the police to report it since in China, prostitution was illegal. He came over to meet me at the bathhouse and told me that there was no point in calling the police since the police would just give them a warning and walk away anyway. Instead, he just had a word with the manager and I went upstairs to sleep alone for the night and left the next day. The next day, I tried to report it to a local police department but didn’t have the vocabulary to communicate what happened so I left it alone. What angered me was not what the women were doing but how I felt tempted to take them up on their offer.
I think prostitution so proliferates in China in spite of its criminal status due to its just being difficult to prove beyond reasonable doubt. Even I’d paid for strictly nonsexual interactions with women on occasion without knowing for sure if they offered sex whenever they didn’t offer any hint. I always feared that a woman could open a massage parlour without realizing that some men would see it as a possible front for prostitution. If I couldn’t always know for sure even with my experience, then how could a police officer do so?
On another occasion a few days later, I found a hotel to stay in. At that hotel, a woman called me asking if I wanted a massage and I declined. A few minutes later, I heard a knock on my door and answered. A woman squeezed past me into the room, groped me, and then refused to leave until I bought sex from her. I asked her to leave but she refused. I clearly remember considering calling the police; but remembering the language barrier I faced the last time I’d visited them a few days earlier, I abandoned that plan. I pushed her out of the room careful to not hurt her only for her to squeeze back in again before I could shut the door. I finally decided to give her the money she wanted and had protected but rough angry sex with her. She left angry at my behaviour and I felt guilty about it since I knew that I might have physically hurt her. Though the language barrier between the police and me gave me no excuse for my behaviour towards that woman, I can say with certainty that at that particular moment, I would have called the police had no language barrier deterred me from doing so instead of doing what I’d done.
Once I’d settled in more permanent accommodation in the new city, the compulsive behaviour soon returned. I then saw a local psychiatrist to deal with my depression, but the language barrier prevented us from communicating well. My Chinese and his English were weak, he knew no Indonesian, he’d studied medicine in German in Germany, and I knew no German. The best he could do was to prescribe anti-depression medication (which I initially took and then quit soon after because it made me experience violent sadistic sexual thoughts) and to advise that I seek help for my depression once I return home.